Why I Push People Away

I’m a bad friend for this. I am, I know this. This isn’t targeted to one person, but to everyone and to help others understand why they do it too.

I push you away because you were a danger to me. You were actually toxic to my existence. I was suffocating from the toxicity that came from you. You made me feel as if I were slowly dying and I had no idea what it was until I pushed you out of my life. Once I did, I could breathe. I was healing from whatever came off of you and came to me.

You didn’t need me. There was nothing I could do to make you happy. The time I spent with you is more than I spent with anyone else. I devoted everything to you, just so you could be happy. Nothing worked though. I couldn’t crack into your heart to make you realize you don’t need something or someone to make you temporarily happy when you have a best friend and an amazing family. I still couldn’t make you smile. While I was trying to make you happy, I made myself miserable. I couldn’t sleep because I was worried for you, I kept my phone on at night so I knew you were still alive, and I drove myself to failure every single time something went wrong, and I blamed it all on me. I wasn’t good enough. I honestly thought that, every single day. If you didn’t need me and if everything I was doing for you wasn’t doing anything, then why should I stick around any longer? After all, I was an inconvenience to have around.

I pushed you away because you hurt me. I needed to protect myself and yet I didn’t because I had this signal in my head that you actually cared when you didn’t. I was so hurt. Physically and emotionally. After everything you put me through I was always there for you. Always. There was never a day that passed where I wasn’t giving my all for you and yet you took me for granted and told me I wasn’t good enough and that I don’t actually matter. That I’m just weak and stupid and whatever I say is stupid. I was being abused by you. I got yelled at for who knows what and no matter what I did for you, it was never enough. I was an idiot compared to you (in your eyes). I wish it didn’t end like this, but you chose it to. You chose to hurt me and to beat me to the ground when I was already down. You weren’t there for me and you never supported me.

I have nothing left for you. I don’t want the text messages of you saying I’m stupid and I can’t do anything on my own. I don’t want to hear the words of you asking me for things that I could never do. I don’t want to feel the way you made me feel anymore. I’m broken because of you. You broke me and hurt me more than anyone else could have. I’m sorry I pushed you away, but I need to heal myself now. It’s my time to fix this.