Blog

Anxiety

My best friend wrote this and I couldn’t be any more proud of her! It is worth the time to read ❤

Always Becoming, Rarely Being

Dear anxiety, you’ve been my life long bully, the monster under my bed, and sadly my constant companion. I used to hate you for what you did to me and the opportunities I missed or the relationship and friendships I lost because of you. I developed trust issues because of you, I couldn’t keep friends around long enough to tell them I suffer from anxiety because I never could trust them and would get jealous and lash out if I didn’t feel validated enough. I lost relationships because you had me in a constant state of worry that would escalate to panic, I couldn’t trust him because you told me I wasn’t strong enough. I sit here today and continue to struggle with you, I shake for no reason, I constantly look behind me because I think something bad is gonna happen, my heart races for you. You’ve taken my…

View original post 291 more words

Breaking My Silence

When I get quiet, it’s not my brain going blank and flatlining from no thoughts running through, it’s because I think so much to where it’s overwhelming. I sit there in silence to organize my mind. I’ve had a lot going on these past few weeks. It started off with my dad getting a new job and moving to Illinois. It would be different if I were leaving, because then it would be just like college. It was overwhelming at first, but I got the hang of it. I knew he was leaving and although I was sad, I was not afraid. I had everything planned out. I knew what I wanted to do, or what I thought I wanted, and I knew how to get there.

After six months of me saying “this is where I’m going”, I changed my mind. It was spontaneous but yet planned. I had some new family-friends helping me out along the way. It’s crazy how a family can impact one persons life completely. Even though it’s been a bit over a month since I knew what I was doing, I kept a lot of people out of the loop. I wanted to remain quiet about it because there was so much more to it than words could express. Having that family around brought more friends. Probably the most real and honest people I’ve met in awhile. I always told myself not to let others influence me, because I was always shown that it lead to something bad, but they have proven me wrong so many times already in just a course of 2 months.

I was sitting in the car one night with a few of these family-friends and I was talking to Linda and Elizabeth (who were mentioned in a previous blog) and Elizabeth’s nephew, Ivar. We were discussing about the play we previously watched and Elizabeth randomly tells me, “Ma’am, I think you should reconsider to go to Charis.” Her beautiful Spanish accent was so comforting, yet it made my eyes widen from surprise. We have been talking about me going to Charis Bible College, but very vaguely. We get back to her house and we all start talking about how it would help me and build a foundation. They all started to smile at me when I told them I was going to apply. It took awhile and a few prayers but I knew that Elizabeth was right. I knew everyone else was right.

I stayed quiet after that. I told a few people my decision and some were happy as to others were not. I kept it out of conversations with some of my friends from high school because I was scared. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. My hands would get sweaty thinking about it because I didn’t want anyone to get mad at me for doing something they didn’t approve of. Now that I am breaking my silence, I am no longer scared.

I am going to Charis Bible College. Yes, I will be working while I am there, but I will also be involved. I know this is what I need for myself. After so many people told me no, I chose this. My family supports me and a lot of other people do too. Some may say I’m just lazy and don’t want to go back to school, but I say their wrong. I still have a plan. I will go and get my degree after Charis, wether it’s 1 year, 2 years, or even 3 years, I will get my bachelors degree. I will do what’s best for me and what I truly want to do. I’m not lazy, I’m not giving up, and I’m not careless. I need this, for me.

I am done being quiet. I am done listening to people tell me how to live my life and just sitting back without saying a word. I didn’t choose this because Linda and Elizabeth said so, I did it because at that time of my life, they knew me more than a lot of people thought. I prayed, over and over again, to know if this was the plan for me, and if I needed to do this. I listened to him and his voice. I’ve never felt such ease when he told me to go to Charis. I’ve also never been more excited to start something like this.

It took awhile, but I am completely stress free. If you knew me this past year, really knew me, you would know how amazing that is for me to get to. I have a wonderful home waiting for me on Friday up in Woodland Park and an amazing family to join. I have already applied to a ton of jobs and I’ve heard back from quite a few of them. I truly have nothing to worry about anymore. This entire chapter of my life has been the best one yet and I am beyond thrilled to experience the next one.

My Wish

Talent.

I have none. I know, “everyone has a talent;” but it doesn’t mean much. Not a lot of people are amazing at singing, but everyone can sing (doesn’t mean it’ll sound good). It’s one of the few occurring personal prayers that I pray. I pray that I’ll be able to sing and sound like an angel. I pray that I can see myself how others see me, instead of a reflection. I also pray that my passions will turn into talent.I sit in my car and blast the radio because if I can’t hear myself, then I can sing as loud as I’d like without anyone else hearing me. I’ve been told I was not musically gifted; I already knew that. My passion for music is so strong but the talent that comes alone with it is very slim. Usually, people will compliment the things you’re good at. I get compliments on my makeup while others get compliments on their voice.

I don’t want to be limited to outer beauty. My entire life I learned that it doesn’t matter how you look on the outside, but what’s on the inside. A voice comes from within. I want the voice that makes people second guess if it’s real or a voice over. I want to be able to sing every song that I love without being embarrassed and ashamed of having a bad voice. I’ve tried instruments. I played piano for awhile but I quit early on because it didn’t fit me. I tried guitar for a few days but I couldn’t get into it. I even gave flute a chance but I tapped out real quickly. The point is, instruments aren’t for me.

I can act and dance but I just want to be able to sing.

Peoples lives get moved because someone can sing them a message that gets translated into something more powerful than a speech. It’s the poetic feel to music and how it’s expressed. There’s so much emotion behind each song but when you’re just saying it, you lose almost most of that.

I think about being able to sing. If I were to stand up on stage and start singing, what would peoples reactions say? Well, now, they would say yikes. I pray that they won’t be like that anymore.

I actually get jealous of people who can sing. They get compliments all the time and everyone just awes over their voices. Even if the message behind the song is terrible, they still get praised for even being talented. I want that. I want to be able to sing my stories. I want to write my own songs and just sing them the way I imagined them. I was listening to a few friends talk about how they wake up in the middle of the night from having a dream about a new song and they instantly record it so then when they wake up, they can just remake it but remember what they were doing. How cool would that be to just wake up and sing something and a few hours later, be completely transformed into art.

 

Look How Far I’ve Come

I wrote this small poem a few years back. I titled it, “Look How Far I’ve Come.” Looking back at it now, I didn’t correctly title it. What should’ve been said is, “I’m Not Even There Yet.”

I look back on this past year alone because it was unlike anything I have ever experienced. Through emotional abuse, unhealthy relationships, peer pressure gone extreme, and the will of giving up, I didn’t even know that what I thought was hard back then, would be proven wrong.

Here’s the new version of “Look How Far I’ve Come.”

:

I was the girl who hid in her closet, not because of hide and seek, but because I was afraid.

I was the girl who would hide behind her mom, not because it was cute, but because I was scared of people.

I was the girl in school who ate with the teacher at lunch, not because I wanted to, but because I had to since the other kids were mean to me.

I was fearful.

I got my first black eye in first grade. It was by a boy who thought I was ugly and fat.

“It happens; everyone goes through it.” This was different though. I was alone and scared.

I was so scared, I was homeschooled for two years because everyone always makes fun of the kids who come in the middle of the school year.

Freshman year comes. I was slapped in the face by a guy so he could prove to his friends that I had no power.

Sophomore year; I got hate messages. I was told that I was worthless and too fat to stand.

Junior year; You think it would stop by now, but it doesn’t. An upperclassman came up to my face and yelled at me. He later threw things at me that left marks for a week.

Senior year; my best friend says I’m too fat to be anything in life and tells me I should just give up because I don’t mean anything to him or anyone else.

Look how far I’ve come when just three months ago I hated my life. I hated who I was and I wanted to give up. I hit rock bottom so hard that it became a physical pain and not just emotional.

:

I have people to thank for saving my life. I have my mom and my dad, then my coach, I have my sister, Marybeth. These people changed me this year. There are more though, the biggest change in my life happened when I became close with Linda Olofsson and Elizabeth Muren. They truly saved me and helped me find my way back to God.

I love God. I love life. I love my family. I love my new friends. This is truly the first time I have been satisfied with who I am and where I’m going in life. I wouldn’t have been here without these people. I went from miserable and physically and emotionally exhausted of life to loving every second and believing in God and trusting him with everything. I have never been happier.

Life is a Hike

I woke up at 2:30am and debated on not showing up to go hiking, but I knew I would regret it if I didn’t. I was exhausted. I only slept for 3 hours last night and I was in desperate need for coffee. I got ready and made sure to pack everything I needed; a granola bar, my inhaler, and a bottle of water. I got to Coach’s house at 3:30am and I was so excited. I couldn’t wait to watch the sunrise on the top of the incline. I was daydreaming about the view. We get to the bottom of the incline around 4:10 and I was starting to get scared. I already have this ridiculous fear of stairs and if you haven’t been to the incline or know what it is, it’s a giant set of stairs that goes up a mountain. The first  100 feet were easy but I did need to take a break every once in awhile. As we get to the thicker set of stairs, the slope gets steeper and the steps get taller. I was having the hardest time breathing and I was so behind from the rest of the group. They kept saying that once you get a rhythm then it gets easier but with the exercise induced asthma, it gets harder. My breathing was becoming very restricted and the inhaler didn’t help anything. I felt so weak.

This is the time I felt like a failure. I was already having problems breathing and even making it halfway and it seemed as if the steps never ended. I would look back and get so scared from how steep the mountain is and I would look up and feel stuck. It was like I wasn’t moving the more steps I took. At one point, my breathing became so restricted that I had to sit down and actually wait till I could breathe again. I started uncontrollably crying and it took everything in em to not give up. This was one of the hardest challenges I have faced. I get about halfway at 5:00am. I can see the cutout at the top where there’s a railing and a bench. That was my end goal for this point. I was crawling on my hands and needs and I had scrapes on me knees that I honestly have no idea how they got there. I was sweating and it was only 40 degrees but the more I pushed myself, the hotter I got and the harder it was to breathe. I wanted this entire trip to be over because I was so exhausted and I couldn’t go any farther. My legs didn’t hurt but it was my breathing that challenged me the most. I got to the cutout which is about 3/4th’s of the way to the top. By this point, the rest of the group was ahead of me by far, except one person. I couldn’t have finished without him helping me and motivating me. Once I was at the cutout at around 5:20am, I tapped out. The steps got to the point where it was basically a ladder and there was not enough foot room to get on one step. I knew I wouldn’t have been able to go any farther, just with the way I was breathing, but once I got to the cutout, I felt relieved. I was so exhausted and it took everything in me to not give up, even when I was at my worst. I sat there and turned on some worship music on my phone and just relaxed. I watched the sunrise and I was at peace. I’ve never seen anything more breathtaking than what was in front of me at that time. All of the pain left my body and I just stared off into the distance.

This hike reflected my life. I was getting my butt kicked by this never-ending staircase and I couldn’t breathe well enough to continue. I was going through life with the things I needed but the wrong mindset. When I was reaching the breaking point, I knew I couldn’t give up just yet. Every single step was every single day; I needed a break every once in awhile and it just kept getting harder and harder. Once I got to my goal, the pain went away. I wasn’t stressed anymore. My goal this year was to be happy with my life. It took a lot to get to that point, just like it took everything in me to continue onto the next step. I wanted to give up. I was so exhausted from the things I faced on the trail and in life. People would beat me down and the work just got harder and harder but I did it. I had someone next to me, staying behind to help me. When I physically couldn’t go another step, he proved me wrong. He stood behind me every step since I was afraid to fall and encouraged me to keep going.

People misunderstand the power of God; Honestly. I know for a fact that God saved my life. We have the materials to be completely devoted to God but yet some of us don’t use them. He gives us strength that we take for granted, hope that is ignored, and power that we don’t use. We become blind to the miracles and then we fall. We get lost in hope and ignore the signs he shows us. I ignored him. I feel terrible about it, honestly. I overlooked all the things he was showing me because of how sad I was. The thing is, I was sad because I felt like he wasn’t there, but when I look back at this past year, I was sad because I wasn’t there. I went blind to him and what he can do in my life. I wanted to just give up and wake up in ten years when I had my life figured out. I abandoned who I wanted to be and took everything for granted. Now that I can see who he is and I can listen to his guidance, everything is so much easier. I can think and not get stressed out anymore, I don’t walk in fear, and I don’t doubt him.

 

Who Killed JonBenet Ramsey?

JonBenet Ramsey. 1990-1996

I want to start a little “series” of unsolved cases and mysteries.

I do want to put out a disclaimer that this does have sensitive information and is in no way to disrespect the family or anyone in connection with the Ramsey family. I have multiple sites’ information. This is just to bring awareness to people with unfinished stories.

On December 26, 1996, at 5:52 am, Patsy Ramsey (age 39), made a call to the Boulder Police Department and reported her daughter, JonBenet Ramsey (age 6), missing. She reported that there was a note and her daughter was kidnapped. Her voice was very distressed during the phone call. It took 3 minutes for officers to get there at the Ramsey house. There was no sign of a break in or forced entry. Every piece of evidence was contaminated from the Ramsey’s inviting neighbors and friends over to try and gather a search team. JonBenet was discovered around 1:00 pm. JonBenet was found with duct tape over her mouth, nylon cord around her wrists and ankles, and a white blanket covering her torso. Her body was as stiff as a board, so that means she died earlier that morning or the previous day. The autopsy said that the way she died was strangulation and a fracture to the skull. There is no evidence of sexual assault and no chemicals in her system that could have killed her. (After further analysis, they discovered she was killed December 25th).

Those are just the basics, but the things that have thrown everyone off guard are more astonishing.

  1. There were NO footprints leading into the house since it snowed the day before. So either the killer was already in the house before JonBenet died, hid in the Ramsey’s car while they were out at a dinner party and crawled out when they were in the garage, or is either Patsy, John, or Burke (the oldest child).
  2. The ransom note was three pages long, NOT ONLY THIS, but pieces of Patsy Ramsey’s handwriting were found in it AND it had the exact amount of John Ramsey’s bonus in it, which only his boss and Patsy knew about other than himself. Also, the note was written in Patsy’s notebook and used her pin.
  3. There is an unidentified male’s DNA on JonBenet’s underwear that is still unidentified to this day.
  4. There was a broken paint brush that was used as a choker with string around it. Both of these were found in Patsy’s craft area. No one knows WHAT killed her, they just know how she died.
  5. After the police “searched the home” when they showed up at the Ramsey house, it took them almost 8 hours to find her body. John Ramsey AND his friend, Fleet White, found the body together.
  6. There were pieces of undigested pineapple in her stomach. I know that doesn’t seem important, but that means shortly after she ate, she was killed. This could mean the killer fed her before they killed her, which means they cared about her so it had to be someone close to them or someone who was obsessed with her, or it could mean that right when she finished her late night snack, she was immediately killed. Burke’s fingerprints were found on the bowl of pineapple, but this was later exonerated because of other pieces of evidence counteracting it.
  7. Fleet White, John Ramsey’s best friend, was never a suspect. Why though? Him and his wife wrote the Ramsey family exoneration letters and saying they are only witnesses and the Ramsey’s didn’t even suspect them once during the case.

Who do I think it is?

Fleet White.

Mr. White was John Ramsey’s closest friend. They both shared things with each other and their families were close too. JonBenet would have been comfortable around Mr.White because of how close were dad was. Anyone at the age of 6 usually trusts their parent’s friends because the parents “know what’s best.” The snow had no footprints leading to the house. The Ramsey family and the White family both celebrated Christmas together the night before JonBenet was murdered. The reason why the handwriting looked like Patsy’s could be because Mr.White started adapting by seeing her handwriting or it could be that she was secretly helping him cover everything up and telling him what to write. That could be why the ransom note was so back and forth of generosity and anger at the same time. The letter states “don’t underestimate us John.” meaning it’s a team. It could be Fleet and Priscilla did it together or Fleet and Patsy.

Sadly the case is still unsolved but there are a lot of theories on to who did it and how. I just pray that they are able to come up with a lead with all of the new technology coming out.

The Domino Effect

It means that a chain of related events occur in the same timeline. This is something I’ve experienced. All. Year. Long.

It started with a breakup. Something I’ve discussed before. Everything just went south and if felt as if I couldn’t fix it and neither could he. We tried but every attempt it failed so it was time to officially say goodbye. It was hard especially since I didn’t have many friends and I got in the routine of just being with him. I was comfortable with him.

This is when the Domino Effect took place. After the breakup, just a few weeks after, I went through something with my best friend at the time. She wasn’t doing okay and I was asked to be there for her while they talk to her, mainly for comfort and support. Things went south really fast that day and I left her house knowing we weren’t friends anymore. She said we were but I knew her so well that I knew exactly what was coming and that I had no control over it. This was harder than the breakup that I went through not too long ago. I knew guys come and go and that best friends were forever, but I lost hope in that saying. That’s when I hit my lowest point. I felt as if I needed to sleep for a few weeks and just recover at home. I wanted to quit my job and school and just stay home.

It took me awhile to recover from that. After that happened, I was getting text messages from different people. I have been around bullying but it’s different when it’s someone you once trusted with everything. I felt like I couldn’t escape. I would go to my counselor to talk and we had this agreement that I wasn’t allowed to leave the same or worse feeling than before I came in. It helped. These messages were getting out of control to where I blocked about 5 different people on every social media account and my contacts so I couldn’t receive them anymore. It still felt like they found a way to say something cruel. I couldn’t escape completely when I thought it was over. I did everything and after a month, it finally stopped. It was a long month though. It took a lot of time.

After all that happened, I didn’t think it could get any worse. I was making new friends and getting along with people I thought hated me. I felt good about my life. Then, I found out my closest friend did something that most people would find unforgivable. I still managed to forgive her, I mean, I am almost done with high school so why should I let it affect me for the rest of the few months left. It followed me. It was almost as if that brought on its own little “Domino Effect.” I’m not going to say any more just for privacy reasons because I don’t know who all reads this. It just was a very bumpy relationship.

After these four things happened, I found peace. It wasn’t easy though. I didn’t think I could actually turn my life around and feel better about things. It used to feel after anything good happened, that something bad followed. Now, it’s anything I might find negative, something great happens. This is when my positive lifestyle started to happen.

My friend, the same one who did the “indescribable”, ended up ditching me for prom. I was upset because all of my other friends were booked with plans and none of them had room for me. I didn’t want to go to prom alone, especially my senior prom. Things flipped and I ended up asking one of my friends, who doesn’t go to my school, to prom. Thankfully, he said yes. Honestly, I was shocked but very excited because I get to go with my friend but I’m not going alone. Prom was at the end of the week (the same week I asked him) and it was honestly so much better than going with my other friend. Definitely a highlight of 2017. The day following, I felt the need to change the place I wanted to go to college. I thought I would go to Colorado Mesa University, but I knew I wasn’t going to be happy if I wasn’t close to my family. We always talked about relocating anyways so I wasn’t too worried. It was just super last minute and I wasn’t super excited that there’s a possibility of leaving. After that happened, I got help from my counselor to see about relocating. We got everything turned in within 30 minutes and I never felt so relieved afterwards. I now have the opportunity to go back to my home state and study there!

The “Domino Effect” is still happening and  new things still pop up. Now it’s just all positive. I feel confident in my future for the first time this year. My childhood dream of going back to Texas is now a possibility. If you want be to be honest, I think God really helped me through everything. Things happen for a reason, and I think he wanted to show me how strong I am and how if I trust in him, he will always make it easier than it would be without him. He is my light in the dark and guides me through any and all obstacles that life throws at me. I would not have been able to get out of this as well as I did with him.