Holding a grudge isn’t healthy. Take my word for that because I’m experiencing it right now. I am angry at my (ex)best friend because she didn’t realize how much I needed her. I despise my (ex)boyfriend because wherever I go, I can’t get rid of him. I hate the man who made me afraid for 8 months of any physical contact from someone else. I was holding the biggest grudge over these people because I was hurt. I didn’t know how to fix my own problems because I was sinking in my tears and dwelling on the fact that I was in pain, rather than trying to heal myself. It was like putting a bandaid on a scab; The The bandaid may help it for a little while, but it’s not the thing that makes it all better. Time is what fixes everything. Doesn’t mean you can’t contribute to the process though. You have to be forgiving and dedicated in order to fix the things that make you feel broken. It won’t happen over night, but the more you work on trying to get to the root of the problem, the faster it will heal.
For me, I didn’t work on my issues. I let the pain get to me in a severe way instead of trying to dig deep for the benefit of my future. I knew I didn’t want to hold onto it forever, but it was fresh, so I was grieving. I thought, “how could the people I once loved and trusted completely vanish in one second?” I couldn’t grab onto the fact that people leave and it will hurt, but also that I became lonely and depressed because there was no one for me to go to anymore.
The reason why it took me over 6 months to forgive those people is because I didn’t know how to. I knew I was hurt, and that’s all that was processing in my head. I was very much stubborn and I couldn’t comprehend that I should forgive them, after all, they were the ones who hurt me. Another reason is I didn’t want to see the people who hurt me, walk away with it and be completely fine the next day. It bugged me to know that I was the only one in pain from the situation. Now looking back on it, it is very rare for someone, who may be hurt that you aren’t close with anymore, come out and spill their problems to you like they used to when y’all were on better terms. Just because you have a lot of friends, you’re lathered in rich expenses, and you act almost prideful, doesn’t mean you aren’t going through something. Once I lost them, I didn’t know how to overcome the pain because I always had that one person I could go to; it was always my best friend. You go to them for everything because you know, after all of that change and heartbreak, they will always be there for you.
I didn’t like the fact that I was alone. I’m going to admit it, my coach is my best friend because she has been the only who is consistent and is always there for me. She was my one person after the heartbreak from the ex and the best friend. I was used to having my best friend and my boyfriend but I had to learn how to live without them. I also didn’t know that if I didn’t forgive them and let my heart heal, I would be more depressed than I was. It’s hard to let someone you have spent so much time with NOT effect you afterwards. Honestly, one second your best friend is by your side, the next, she’s gone. It’s hard. My stubbornness got the best of me in a greater way to where I completely shut down the “rehabilitation” process in my heart and in my head. I let the pain and agony of losing my best friends get the best of me in the worst possible way.
What is it like now, that I have forgiven them? I still miss my best friend and I wish the bad tension that we had, never happened in the first place, but I know that everything happens for a reason and that maybe it was the best for us to go our separate ways. I also forgave someone who was hurting more than he wanted to admit. The manipulating powers and control that he lost after me, made him desperate. He went after my friends and after awhile of that process, he came running back to me. If I didn’t forgive him, I would’ve responded with an angry and not very ladylike message. Thankfully, that didn’t happen. I forgave the mistakes and pain he caused on my heart and in my head, even if I’m still having to deal with some of it. The thing is, I don’t feel as if I need to do something for them or against them anymore. I let go of the pain that was getting very overwhelming and I focused on what I did had. I have God, my family, and the few other special people. I started to realize, even when I don’t have a lot of friends and I’m not popular, I have the people who really matter closest to me. I definitely started counting my blessings and I am very thankful for the people I have now.