Breaking My Silence

When I get quiet, it’s not my brain going blank and flatlining from no thoughts running through, it’s because I think so much to where it’s overwhelming. I sit there in silence to organize my mind. I’ve had a lot going on these past few weeks. It started off with my dad getting a new job and moving to Illinois. It would be different if I were leaving, because then it would be just like college. It was overwhelming at first, but I got the hang of it. I knew he was leaving and although I was sad, I was not afraid. I had everything planned out. I knew what I wanted to do, or what I thought I wanted, and I knew how to get there.

After six months of me saying “this is where I’m going”, I changed my mind. It was spontaneous but yet planned. I had some new family-friends helping me out along the way. It’s crazy how a family can impact one persons life completely. Even though it’s been a bit over a month since I knew what I was doing, I kept a lot of people out of the loop. I wanted to remain quiet about it because there was so much more to it than words could express. Having that family around brought more friends. Probably the most real and honest people I’ve met in awhile. I always told myself not to let others influence me, because I was always shown that it lead to something bad, but they have proven me wrong so many times already in just a course of 2 months.

I was sitting in the car one night with a few of these family-friends and I was talking to Linda and Elizabeth (who were mentioned in a previous blog) and Elizabeth’s nephew, Ivar. We were discussing about the play we previously watched and Elizabeth randomly tells me, “Ma’am, I think you should reconsider to go to Charis.” Her beautiful Spanish accent was so comforting, yet it made my eyes widen from surprise. We have been talking about me going to Charis Bible College, but very vaguely. We get back to her house and we all start talking about how it would help me and build a foundation. They all started to smile at me when I told them I was going to apply. It took awhile and a few prayers but I knew that Elizabeth was right. I knew everyone else was right.

I stayed quiet after that. I told a few people my decision and some were happy as to others were not. I kept it out of conversations with some of my friends from high school because I was scared. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. My hands would get sweaty thinking about it because I didn’t want anyone to get mad at me for doing something they didn’t approve of. Now that I am breaking my silence, I am no longer scared.

I am going to Charis Bible College. Yes, I will be working while I am there, but I will also be involved. I know this is what I need for myself. After so many people told me no, I chose this. My family supports me and a lot of other people do too. Some may say I’m just lazy and don’t want to go back to school, but I say their wrong. I still have a plan. I will go and get my degree after Charis, wether it’s 1 year, 2 years, or even 3 years, I will get my bachelors degree. I will do what’s best for me and what I truly want to do. I’m not lazy, I’m not giving up, and I’m not careless. I need this, for me.

I am done being quiet. I am done listening to people tell me how to live my life and just sitting back without saying a word. I didn’t choose this because Linda and Elizabeth said so, I did it because at that time of my life, they knew me more than a lot of people thought. I prayed, over and over again, to know if this was the plan for me, and if I needed to do this. I listened to him and his voice. I’ve never felt such ease when he told me to go to Charis. I’ve also never been more excited to start something like this.

It took awhile, but I am completely stress free. If you knew me this past year, really knew me, you would know how amazing that is for me to get to. I have a wonderful home waiting for me on Friday up in Woodland Park and an amazing family to join. I have already applied to a ton of jobs and I’ve heard back from quite a few of them. I truly have nothing to worry about anymore. This entire chapter of my life has been the best one yet and I am beyond thrilled to experience the next one.

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