Sleepless Nights

Thoughts at 1:00 am

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It’s 1am. I thought I was going to be tired at 9, since that was the time I actually got in bed. I didn’t think my mind would run so much as I looked up at my ceiling fan. I turn on my relaxing music and just wander into the train of thoughts. People say I shouldn’t think at night and to just let my mind go to sleep, but since I’m so busy during the day and I don’t have time to think, it happens at night. I get curious into the new day that’s about to arrive. Thinking “maybe this could happen today” or “maybe my life will change forever.” Its an endless chain of theories. The relaxing music helps to calm my mind and body down from the nonstop movement during the day. The only negative to the music is that it can be sad. I’ll get a text from someone that almost seems as if you would see it in a movie, but it’s reality. The music starts to fit to your mood, that’s what it’s purpose is, isn’t it?

The nights drag on as I stare at my ceiling fan. At this point, I’ve probably tried to contact a few friends, just to see if someone could release some of this anxiety that is building up. It could be because of a friend, maybe from trying to get life organized for college, or a homework assignment that I’m completely lost on. It’s hard to sleep when there’s still so much more that has to be accomplished. I can’t rest until I feel at ease with my life, for the day. It’s why I have so many sleepless nights. I don’t feel as if my life could be where I want it to be, so I try to organize it enough so when I try and fall back to sleep, I’ll be successful. It takes awhile to fall asleep. Scientists say it only takes 7 minutes, but I argue against it. It sometimes takes me a few hours just to become tired. I’ll turn off the music and my phone, I’ll get comfortable, but it still takes me forever.

When my mind wanders into a certain direction, I can’t help but to write it out. It helps me just to relax and to know I have some sort of outlet for my thoughts. Sometimes they are almost depressing because I am so helpless in the middle of the night. I can’t just get up and go fix something in my life at 1am. I have to wait, and I’m very impatient. You see, impatience, anxiety, and day dreaming don’t mix well. You get impatient because you just want to be able to wake up and get your life together right now. Then you get anxious because things don’t always turn out the way we want them to. Finally, day dreaming. You think of all these different possibilities, but half of them aren’t even realistic. So you stay up. You can’t help it because you just want to find the best for yourself and want to know that you can wake up stress-limited for the most part. There’s a touch of perfectionist in that as well. I have such high standards in life, that even my personal life has to meet; or else I’ll be a hypocrite.

Sleepless nights are never fun. You’re exhausted because it’s the tenth day in a row when you haven’t gotten as much sleep as you should be getting for your age and you’re still unsatisfied. You want your life to meet your standards, you want to be organized without stress, you want to be happy and live the life you want and just finish with all of this stalling in high school, and you can’t stop thinking about all of the amazing possibilities. They aren’t fun, but sometimes, they can make a change in your day. Yeah, you need sleep and you shouldn’t be skipping out on it, but if I think that something good in my life will happen, then I’m determined to make it happen. I will wake up with the mindset of “this will be my day” and I will live that day to the fullest. I won’t let anything hold me back for the most part.

Even though bad things can happen when you don’t sleep at night and you overthink everything, you’d be surprised at the good things that can occur. I started off this post crying because I was sad about some things that were occurring in my life, but I’m finishing this feeling at ease. I know that bad things happen in life and it makes you so stressed that you can’t get a good night’s sleep, but just being able to take a second, breathe, and think about how you want your life to be like, helps so much. Having an outlet when none of your friends are awake also helps. Don’t blame them for not replying, they are just sleeping.

I’m exhausted. I’ve written, I’ve read, and I’ve prayed. Now, I will sleep. Not for long though, I have to wake up in 6 hours but if I get ready fast enough, I can grab coffee!

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