Push Me Away

Dear best friend,

You pushed me away, but I will put some of the blame on me because I let you. I also pushed you away. You changed. I did too. We lost connection. You were the best friend I would’ve taken a bullet for. I would call you crying and you would calm me down. I did the same for you. You were my everything. Till you chose something else over me. Friendships aren’t negotiable. They also aren’t a one way street and an opportunity to lie and take advantage of each other.  I can’t be put on pause and let you take advantage of me. I can’t just be left alone while you leave for a bit to get your mind distracted from the real world. I pushed you away because it took me three years to realize how bad I was hurting from the neglect.

I pushed you away. I wasn’t doing my part in the relationship to keep you happy, so you turned to something else. I gave up on trying to be the best possible thing for you. I gave up my happiness for yours, and you still weren’t satisfied with your life. All I wanted was for you to be happy, but nothing worked. Except one thing, it was just something I couldn’t provide. It wasn’t healthy either. It was toxic and just let you get a good distraction and excuse for a few hours.

I was there for you when all of the guys broke your heart. I was there for you to cry on. I bought you yogurt because I knew that would cheer you up. We sat on the couch watching movies to get you distracted from the pain. My first heartbreak; you weren’t there. You actually left me and talked trash about me to the other guy. You weren’t there for me to cry on and you weren’t there to make me happy. You made me sad. More so than the breakup. We got over it and were best friends like nothing ever changed. A few years later, my second heartbreak. I was torn apart and went into this huge stage of depression. Yet, you were no where in sight. I couldn’t even talk to you without your “friends,” who use you more than anything, being around. I was sad that he left me, but once you completely abandoned me, I was devastated.

You know what hurts, everyone noticed. They asked me if we still talked. They asked you if I was still in your life. Your mom would ask you if I was going to come over and your sister texted me asking if I was okay. People knew we weren’t the same. My mom asked me if I was okay, and not the everyday “okay”, but the “do you need help” okay. That was the worst of all of it. They knew I couldn’t bare life without you being there with me.

I got over it. I needed you but it was obvious enough that you didn’t need me. I apologize for hurting you and pushing you away, but all you did was get defensive and mad at me for telling you why I was sad. That’s not what a best friend does. I was manipulated into thinking I was doing everything wrong for three years that I became self conscious in myself and in life. I didn’t trust anyone but you because I was taught that you knew everyone and knew if they would hurt me. I saw it as protection and loyalty then, I see it as manipulating now.

I can’t be the only one giving love and care to each other. I can’t give my everything to receive nothing in return. I would’ve been better if it was nothing, but it was worse. I was becoming sad and you didn’t care. You got mad at me because I was sad that I was lonely. Don’t tell me I can come to you when all you do is hang out with the people who made you crazy in the first place. I took everything for you. I got yelled at and defended you and in return I got nothing. No credit for helping you out while I took the fall for things. I was told I wasn’t doing enough for you and that I wasn’t doing what I should be because you got into trouble for something you shouldn’t have been doing. I did nothing but protect you and it bit me in the butt. You even said it yourself, “Lauren isn’t my best friend.” So why should you be mine?

I’m done being your cushion in life to land on so when everyone hates you, I’ll be the last one there to protect you and love you. I can’t be there for your convenience and you not be there for when I truly needed you. I can’t do that to myself anymore. You were my best friend. I just can’t let myself get mistreated like that again. Not anymore. I’m sorry.

I will always love you, just not enough to be your safety blanket for whenever something goes wrong.

Love,

The Mistreated (ex)Best Friend

 

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