I Love You, But…

There are no questions I can answer. I don’t have a magic book that shows me the solutions to these problems.

I feel as if I’m trapped in a grey area and there’s never anything I can say that will make this any less painful than it already is for the both of us. You know how I feel, I’ve told you countless times. I never really trusted anyone before you. You were the first person to understand me. You were my best friend. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I can feel your pain when you think about me. I wish I could wave a magic wand to make it go away and put a giant band-aid around your heart, but I can’t.

Time is fragile and as you grow up, it feels as if it goes by faster and the hours become minutes. I don’t have a rewind button on my life. Maybe one day we can make new adventures together but we can’t go back in time and redo that day.  I don’t want anything more than to see you happy and succeed so I hope you won’t let me put a delay on that.

I love you, but I can’t be with you because the damage is already done. You said the magic words that I feared the most. It’s my fault too. I couldn’t give you what you needed and I was only there to provide what you wanted. I didn’t want your money, I wanted you. I don’t care about your clothes, looks, things, none of that, I only cared about the purest you. You gave me everything and more so don’t beat yourself up, it’s just how our lives played out. I sometimes feel as if I should’ve fought harder to keep you, but I didn’t want to suffocate your life, so I stopped trying. I blame myself for that night. It’s taken all my strength to learn to grow from this rather than want to go back in time and redo the entire day. I don’t regret anything because everything happens for a reason but I do regret hurting you. I just hope you won’t be hurt any longer.

I had to be strong. I had to be strong so you would realize you don’t need me and so it would be easier for you to move on. My friends needed me and I’d rather make them happy than have them worry about me. I didn’t want to break down crying anymore because it’s a sign of weakness to me. I already cried to where I ran out of tears and I knew I needed to stop. It’s okay to be sad but I can’t be sad forever. I needed to take your advice on living each and every day as its own. Wake up as the best you that you could possibly be and live the day like it was your last. This is good for us to go through because we can get stronger as we grow rather than ponder on that day. I’m just sorry I couldn’t do anymore to keep you happy.

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